Having long term depression makes life more than difficult at times and it can hit you like a brick wall. You can be muddling through life thinking you are doing ok and then something ever so small can happen beyond your control which could be being let down by someone or even a negative comment that effects your confidence and makes you paranoid about yourself, you can think to yourself that you are strong enough to let it go and just carry on with your day. Then you wake up the next morning and that's it you are stuck inside your head of jumbled paranoid unhappy thoughts that just spiral downwards, the day ahead will be grey and there is nothing you can do to drag you sorry ass out of it. This is how it starts for me and for years I have been so trapped inside my own head that I could never see a way out of it, fear, guilt and shame are a few of many ways to describe how you feel when you have depression and usually the only people that understand are fellow sufferers. Its a real struggle to drag yourself out of the downward spiral of negative thoughts.
I have found that after years of depression, I know the triggers really well and I now know when its coming so I am at the stage of trying to turn my thoughts around because I know after several negative days the suicidal thoughts start to creep in and before I know it a month has gone past and I have spent the entire time being impossible to live with, shutting everyone out because I can't find a reason or explanation to why or what I feel. So once again I become a frequent visitor at the doctors trying any medication they will give me to find one that suits me without making me sleepy or hyperactive, or has another horrible side effect which I can't cope with, I am yet to find one that just makes me feel normal. What is normal?
I know the triggers and I try my hardest to deal with it quickly because I know the consequences if I don't. So I have learnt that eating better, moving more and just simply making myself get in the shower and get dressed makes a huge difference, if there is one bit of advice I would give to anyone trying to deal with depression it would be to make yourself get in that shower, wash your hair, care for yourself and get dressed.
I have been on a resilience and mindfulness course recently and it has really helped me to try to turn all the negative thoughts into positive ones so here are my 10 things that make me smile..
- My wonderful and funny children
- My amazing husband
- My beautiful sister and her children
- My close friends
- Our dog Pickle
- Drawing almost everyday
- Exercise (yes believe it or not because it releases endorphins :))
- Shopping for new craft supplies